How to Write a Book 101

by | 8 June 2018 | Writing | 21 comments

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed”

—Ernest Hemingway

 

Writing a book can sound very complicated and time consuming, but it’s not as confusing as everyone makes out. I mean, obviously there’s the struggles of ‘how to title’, and ‘what even are words’ but the overall process is relatively simple.

To prove it to you, I have a step-by-step process for you all. Read on and learn from my years of experience. This will change your writing life.
Note: if you actually want to know how to write a book, I’m sorry, because this post is going to be absolutely no use for you. Just a heads up. xD

 

1: Get seven gajillion book ideas

You’ve probably heard about plot bunnies—those bouncing balls of fluff and novels. I’ve heard legend that if you balance a plate of carrots on your forehead every night as you sleep, you’ll have plot bunnies coming from every direction. There’ll be no lack of ideas.

Just watch out, because attack of plot bunnies (or rabid rabbits, as ordinary people call them) sometimes results in lack of sleep. You have been warned.

 

2: Spend ten hours making pinterest boards for them

Ten hours each. Pinterest boards are absolutely mandatory and your book will be a total failure if you don’t have one with at least ninety-two pins. Proof: my pinterest board for Rogue Agent has two hundred and eighty-one pins.

Have I written it yet? No. But that’s beside the point.

 

3: Don’t plot. It’s too boring anyway

Plotting is overrated. Never plot. No one cares if your novels are mounds of rubbish. It’ll be fiiiine.

Oh, and don’t bother worldbuilding either. Unimportant.

You will have no regrets*.

*unless you plan to edit this novel after you’re done in which case you will have SO. MANY. REGRETS.

 

4: Pick one of them to write

This is easy. It’s not at all like you have to tear your heart to pieces as you pick your favourite brainchild. Not at all.

If all else fails, pull a totally new rabid plot bunny out of a hat. Works every time.

 

5: Change your mind after two chapters and write a different idea instead

Honestly. Who can decide on one book out of a million anyway? Just switch up between each of them and before you’re 100 you might’ve written a couple chapters of less than half of them.

If you get confused about the novel you’re writing because you’ve been writing other totally different novels—pfft, who cares? What did I say about novels being mounds of rubbish?

No. Regrets.

 

6: Hit your head against the keyboard

Sometimes people ask me “but how do I actually write, Jane?” This is always the answer. Hit your head against the keyboard and the idea will magically transfer onto the document.

If it’s not working for you, you’re obviously doing it wrong. Listen to the experts.

 

Follow these simple steps and you too can write a novel.

Or…maybe not. But that’s beside the point. 😛

 

Let’s hang out! What’s your favourite part of the novelling process? How is your writing going at the moment? How do you deal with the attack of the plot bunnies?

Jane Maree

Jane Maree

Jane Maree is an Adventurer—exploring the endless wonders of God’s beautiful creation. She started writing by accident, but since the very beginning has loved the enchantment of words on paper. If you say anything about pizza, superheroes, books, or any of her many, many fandoms, she’ll come at the double. Aside from crafting worlds using only twenty-six letters, she is a passionate Jesus-lover, freelance editor, self-trained martial artist, songwriter, and musician. In her spare time, she's often off on random adventures in the name of story research. She seeks to inspire her readers to step out and become the heroes of hope this world needs.

21 Comments

  1. Kendra Lynne

    JANE I love this!!! Exactly what I have been needing, LOL! (and by the way I have tried every single one of these methods in the past and the results were… interesting, to say the least) 😀
    Thank you so much for this post! XD

    Reply
    • Kendra Lynne

      Hey, look at that! I was able to comment!!

      Reply
    • Jane Maree

      First off: YAY! Your computer let you comment! *cheers*

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it! 😀 If it gave you a smile, then it’s served its purpose to the utmost and I’m very happy. ^-^

      Reply
  2. Sarah

    HA! I love all of these xD Is it slightly bad that I do nearly alll of the steps?? Somehow I still don’t have a book written. Funny how that works out. O-o (Step 2 and 3 are my main offenders ;P)

    *sigh* I wish Step 6 was possible xD That would so magical.

    (P.S Also just wanna point out for Step One: “You’be” ;D)

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      I’m torn between saying “WOOT” and shaking my head because I want your novels finished before fifty years time or so help me… 😉

      Pinterest will doom us all.

      Obviously you’re not doing it right otherwise it WOULD work. xP

      (Gah, thanks. :P)

      Reply
  3. Jenna Terese

    When I got this post in my inbox I completely expected it to be a serious guide, but NO! This is hilarious! Love that part about the plot bunnies 😛

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Haha, nope. 😛 I had good intentions of writing a helpful post about Character Voice but…this somehow happened instead and I’m still not quite sure how.
      I’m glad you liked it though. 😉

      Reply
  4. Hannah Gaudette

    Now why didn’t I think of this??? It would have saved my life from the torture of actually writing. 😉

    How do I deal with the attack of plot bunnies? Well, I haven’t had one in a while. *sigh* In fact, I need an attack of plot bunnies at the moment for outlining the next book in the series I’m writing. I don’t suppose you’re in command of these helpful little creatures??? 😉 Send them my way, please.

    Favorite part of the process? First draft. No pressure, no stress, just . . . me and the keyboard. Ahhh . . . 🙂

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Luckily, I’ve saved you before you’ve wasted the rest of your life too. XD

      *points to above tips* I believe I mentioned something about balancing a plate of carrots on your forehead every night for a week. That should do it. xP

      A little more serious, I might suggest the slightly dangerous activity of scrolling through pinterest? Despite it’s dangers of procrastination, it can still be very inspiring.

      First drafting! Yess! I love first drafts the best too. 😀

      Reply
  5. J.A.Penrose

    AHAHAHA. ANOTHER 101 POST. Loved it Jane! You seemed to forget the flip side of 3. After all, there are some ideas that just live in the world of plotting and works building. *squints at A World of Ice*
    But yassss, ’twas a brilliant post of total brilliancy. I shall note to follow these steps when writing my next novel.

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      You all deserved another spout of my geniusy so I decided to give it to you. XD

      Ooh truuue, plotting/worldbuilding forever is also another option. 😛

      Good good. I’m glad to see you learning from the experts. xP

      Reply
  6. Evelyn

    Thanks for making my day XD

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Aww, you’re welcome, Evelyn. 😛

      Reply
  7. Quinley

    I have done the million book ideas part!XD (though thankfully I set them aside so I could work on the current novel(s))
    -Quinley
    P.S. are you excited about Camp NaNo because I am.

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Yeeeeup. *dies beneath all the to-be-written ideas* Good on you for setting them aside. 😛

      I definitely am! I can’t believe how quickly it’s coming up. 😯

      Reply
  8. Chelsea R.H.

    Lovely post 😛 Especially the part about Pinterest boards (the amount of secret boards I have for stories that will never be written….)
    And yes, I’ve done every one of these things but, strangely enough, it was not particularly productive….

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Pinterest boards are the best and the worst at the same time. xD

      Whaaat? But this method is foolproof. Failproof. Everyone should do it this way. 😛

      Reply
  9. Catherine

    So. True. And hilarious, Jane!

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Painfully true, sometimes. XD Thanks! 😛

      Reply
  10. MiddleEarthMusician

    XD XD XD This post made me laugh so hard. The only thing on your list that I actually have done is not plotting (M:M).

    Reply
    • Jane Maree

      Well, you need to do better then. TIME TO START HITTING YOUR HEAD ON THAT KEYBOARD, GIRL. XD

      Reply

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