“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed”

—Ernest Hemingway

 

Writing a book can sound very complicated and time consuming, but it’s not as confusing as everyone makes out. I mean, obviously there’s the struggles of ‘how to title’, and ‘what even are words’ but the overall process is relatively simple.

To prove it to you, I have a step-by-step process for you all. Read on and learn from my years of experience. This will change your writing life.
Note: if you actually want to know how to write a book, I’m sorry, because this post is going to be absolutely no use for you. Just a heads up. xD

 

1: Get seven gajillion book ideas

You’ve probably heard about plot bunnies—those bouncing balls of fluff and novels. I’ve heard legend that if you balance a plate of carrots on your forehead every night as you sleep, you’ll have plot bunnies coming from every direction. There’ll be no lack of ideas.

Just watch out, because attack of plot bunnies (or rabid rabbits, as ordinary people call them) sometimes results in lack of sleep. You have been warned.

 

2: Spend ten hours making pinterest boards for them

Ten hours each. Pinterest boards are absolutely mandatory and your book will be a total failure if you don’t have one with at least ninety-two pins. Proof: my pinterest board for Rogue Agent has two hundred and eighty-one pins.

Have I written it yet? No. But that’s beside the point.

 

3: Don’t plot. It’s too boring anyway

Plotting is overrated. Never plot. No one cares if your novels are mounds of rubbish. It’ll be fiiiine.

Oh, and don’t bother worldbuilding either. Unimportant.

You will have no regrets*.

*unless you plan to edit this novel after you’re done in which case you will have SO. MANY. REGRETS.

 

4: Pick one of them to write

This is easy. It’s not at all like you have to tear your heart to pieces as you pick your favourite brainchild. Not at all.

If all else fails, pull a totally new rabid plot bunny out of a hat. Works every time.

 

5: Change your mind after two chapters and write a different idea instead

Honestly. Who can decide on one book out of a million anyway? Just switch up between each of them and before you’re 100 you might’ve written a couple chapters of less than half of them.

If you get confused about the novel you’re writing because you’ve been writing other totally different novels—pfft, who cares? What did I say about novels being mounds of rubbish?

No. Regrets.

 

6: Hit your head against the keyboard

Sometimes people ask me “but how do I actually write, Jane?” This is always the answer. Hit your head against the keyboard and the idea will magically transfer onto the document.

If it’s not working for you, you’re obviously doing it wrong. Listen to the experts.

 

Follow these simple steps and you too can write a novel.

Or…maybe not. But that’s beside the point. 😛

 

Let’s hang out! What’s your favourite part of the novelling process? How is your writing going at the moment? How do you deal with the attack of the plot bunnies?

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