Disclaimer: this is a satirical post meant to amuse, not to instruct. You have been warned. 😉
Having realistic characters is a huge step toward having a great book. The readers will have someone to relate to and to cheer for.
Some characters take a lot of time to craft into realistic people, others simply walk into the story without so much as a ‘please.’ But no matter how they turn up, they still need to be genius characters.
Naturally, I am here to save you any trouble. Before you start making characters, there’s four very important things we need to cover first.
1: Spend a Very Long Time looking for their face
Either you have to scroll through pinterest for three hours, or just never actually work out what the character looks like. There’s no in between.
Also, make sure you include lengthy and thorough descriptions of every single character and include them in every single scene that they appear in. Readers are forgetful. They need constant reminders of what your characters look like.
2: Backstory is a waste of time
The readers don’t need to know who the character is, so don’t spend any time trying to work out what their normal life is like. It’s completely overrated.
Imagine how much better Star Wars would’ve been if we didn’t know any background for any of the characters.
Luke Skywalker: You’re a creepy dude.
Darth Vader: And you’re kid who I absolutely have neeever seen before.
Luke: NOOOOO. *jumps down a hole*
3: Base them off your best friend’s third cousin’s uncle twice removed
People in real life are real, so the best way to have a real character is to copy an actual human being and dump them into your story.
Bonus points if you pick the most boring person you know.
4: Name them Mary Sue or George Smith
These are the only legitimate name choices.
Throw out that Tony Stark. He should’ve been named George Smith. Steve Rogers? Also George Smith.
Would this be confusing? Yes. Does that make any difference? No.
Name all your guys George Smith. You know you want to.
What more can I say? Soon enough, your Mary will be an amazing Sue and your George will be a Smith and no one will be able to tell the difference. 😛
What’s your best advice for crafting realistic characters? Have you ever had a character just walk onto the page without asking? What’s the most boring name you’ve ever given a character? Let’s chat in the comments!