Disclaimer: this is a humourous post meant to amuse, not to instruct. You have been warned. 😉
Book reviews play a pretty big role in the bookworm world these days. They can help readers find their new favourite book. They can help warn readers from books with content they wouldn’t enjoy. They can be a great way to mull over the book after you finished reading it.
So obviously, it’s high time I did a Completely Serious and Very Helpful post about how to write the best book review ever. This post will change your life. 😆
Make it so long that people die just from looking at it
This might sound a little time consuming at first but trust me on this one. Every book review needs to be incredibly long. It doesn’t have to say much. Make it as rambly and confusing as you like. The whole point of a book review is to kill people while they try to read it, so the longer the better!
Bonus points if you have it all in one solid paragraph with no spaces. Maybe you could even leave out punctuation too.
Consider the possibilities!
Don’t talk about the book itself
Talk about the snacks you ate while reading. Talk about the cover. Talk about the blurb.
If you can possibly avoid it, never even mention the book. Who cares about that anyway? I mean, it’s not like people are reading your review so they can find out your opinion on the story.
Pfft.
Imagine.
Be confused
If you really don’t have time to type out a really long spiel of a review about snacks, there’s an alternative:
Rate the book one star, and say “I LOVE THIS!”
Everyone who sees your review will be thoroughly confused, and your job here is done.
Some people will assume you’re being sarcastic and actually hate it. Some people will assume you actually do love it, but accidentally hit the wrong star rating. Some people will assume you escaped from a mental hospital and should be arrested immediately.
Just scream
Honestly, your entire review should literally just be one huge scream:
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
But longer. At least five paragraphs’ worth of scream. Do that. Forget all the other tips in this post. This is the one you really should follow. 😂
Chat with meee! Do you review the books you read? Tell me your most recent five-star book!
i am dead from laughter from this post, i think i will do the screaming one. XD XD
Do it. This advice is flawless. 🤣🤣
So… I absolutely enjoy reviewing books. It’s like, amazing! *blinks* DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS?!
My most recent five star review was on Hope Ann’s Healer’s Bane.
Haha, I love reviewing too! (And no, I don’t review books anything like this, thank goodness. 😂)
Love that one! It’s a great read.
Oh my. I definitely need to be taking notes in this class. *takes out paper and pen* Hmm… now what’s this about contradicting yourself…?
Take all the notes, Merie. You never know when you need to scream for five paragraphs. 😏
Oh my goodness yesss.
This was just perfect. xD
I MEAN WHY NOT SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF FOR FIVE PARAGRAPHS
😉
Sometimes you just have to let out all the post-book emotions. By screaming. What better review could anyone ask for?? 😂
*reads all the suggestions* Yes, oh yes. Definitely do every one of these. You will be writing amazing book reviews in no time. X’D
I’m sure this is the best reviewing advice you’ve EVER heard, Mem. Don’t doubt it for a moment. 😆
THIS IS AMAZING. 😂
Great tips. Very helpful post. 😆
Hahaha!! I loved this post so much.
When people rave about the book and then leave one or two stars it makes me so mad–especially if the book mentioned is one of my personal favorites. It’s frustrating. XD
The post on how to write book reviews that none of us knew we needed.
But trust me, we did.
If only to brighten our day. XD Thank you so much Jane! This was hilarious!